Merry Christmas!

Christmas is my favorite time of year!  Everything about it!  I love decorating the tree, picking out and wrapping gifts for everyone, eating delicious cookies and other assorted treats.  I love hanging out with my family (sometimes) and watching specials while drinking cocoa.  I love it all.  But most of all, I love getting gifts.  Now, we all know that it is better to give than to receive, which is why I’ve decided to give you all a copy of the things that I want you to give to me.  I guess that I’m just really into the holiday spirit.  Anyways, here’s a copy of my Christmas list:

Green Lantern Ring

I’m talking fully functional here.  As in, whatever I have the willpower to sustain, I can create.  It would be the perfect tool in life.  Also, it would match my eyes.

This would be great, for a while.

Fine Jewelry

In addition to my incredibly useful and eye-matching GL ring, I could use some glittery gems.  You know; earrings, necklaces, bracelets, anklets, tiaras, etc.  I also have, like, seven other fingers and two thumbs for more rings.  I like emeralds, rubies, and genuine cubic zirconia.

Don't you think I'm pretty?  Tell me I look pretty.

Diamond Shoes

Yes, diamond shoes.  Blood diamonds.  Hey, it’s going to be no picnic walking in those things, so it’s only fair if someone on the other side of the equation suffers, too. 

Sparkly wonderfulness.

Jesus-look-alike Bodyguard

With all that bling, I’m gonna need some protection.  And nobody is going to try to fight Jesus, especially around his birthday.  I mean, come on.  That’s just terrible behavior.  Also, it would be super-cool to be seen walking around everywhere with Jesus.

Everyone would be so jealous.

Also, if he could actually have awesome, Jesus-like powers, that would be great.

A Church

I want to be worshipped.

That's not me.  That's a priestess, dedicated to emulating me in all ways, as do all who worship in my House.

My Own Island

Nothing too fancy, just my own personal island outside of any other country’s jurisdiction.

I was thinking something slightly larger.  Also, with serfs.

Gift Cards

I like Pizza Hut, Target, Old Navy, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc.

Ryan Reynolds

Of course.  Of course.  There is nothing I’d like better than to wake up Christmas morning and find him wrapped up under the tree.  Nothing.



Best Christmas Ever



I meant to wrap this post up with a heartwarming message about the holidays, but I’ve kind of lost my train of thought on that one.  Oh, well.  You’ve seen the specials.  You know what I’m getting at.  Have a happy holiday, however you may spend it.





Dear Ryan Reynolds: A Proposal

Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson are divorcing.  I was shocked and upset to hear about this, because people that beautiful belong together.  They would have made the Earth’s most perfect babies. 

Their beautiful messiah baby

However, neither of them asked for my opinion.  Anyway, out of respect for their privacy, I will not bother speculating on the reasons behind the divorce, or anything along those lines.  No, this is not a gossip-y, tabloid-y post.  This is a heartfelt, tender message to the man I love.

            Marry me, Ryan Reynolds.

            You know how long I have loved you.  Of course, I never would have wished for this sad ending to your marriage, nor would I have made advances while you were still with Scarlett, but I feel that now is the time to make my intentions clear.  Soon, perhaps already, you will be deluged with gorgeous women who have been waiting for this opportunity to pounce on you.  You may wonder if they truly love you for you, or if all they see is your money and fame, and sweet Jesus abs.  Well, I can tell you, Ryan, I am not like those women.  I will appreciate you for who you are, regardless of your socio-economic class or unusually beautiful face.  Remember The Amityville Horror, where you were all creepy and murderlicious?  I would totally have still hooked up with you.  Or Just Friends, at the beginning, when you were playing the fat and nerdy kid?  Yes, Ryan.  Even then.  Even then, I loved you.  I’m not here for your looks.  I don’t care about money.  I’m pretty sure fame would annoy me after the first half-hour.  I’m not here for me; I’m here because of my great and abiding love for you.

Pictured:  Me loving you even if you really did get fat.

            I know that I’m no glamorous Hollywood starlet, but maybe that’s what you need; someone who will stay by your side, supporting you throughout your career, not worried about their own publicity.  There would be no need to worry about if I’m only pushing my own agenda by being with you, because I don’t work in that business.  There would be no balancing act between our careers, because we work in two completely separate fields.  Conflicting schedules and the strain of distance would never be an issue for us, because I’m a writer: have laptop, will travel.  Or a notebook.  Or, hell, for you?  The back of an envelope.  Whatever’s handy, so long as we’re together.  I can be flexible.  I’m willing to put in the effort to make this work.

Effort!

            And, honestly?  I’ve done a little acting in my past.  Not really interested anymore in making a career out of it, but if you ever needed help with ‘getting’ a character, or running lines, or whatever, I’m there for you, baby.  And if you prefer doing that kind of thing on your own?  That’s cool, too.  I have my own interests, as well.  I’m a well-rounded person.  I’ve got my writing, and I also enjoy reading (books and comics), baking, sketching, and dancing like a crazy person.  I have friends.  I’m not a crazy, obsessed stalker; I just love you, and I think that you could love me, too.  I could be good for you.

Our messiah-cyborg baby.  See how much better it could be with me?

            Understand me, Ryan.  I’m not looking for a ticket onto the red carpet, though I’d be marching up and down that thing singing your praises to all if I were there.  I would tell everyone how wonderful you were.  I would do this at premieres for movies that you’re not even in.  Because I love you that much. 

...and the masses shall be taught to worship you

I know, I know; this seems a little forward.  It’s too soon.  I understand.  In fact, I’m still working towards my BA.  We’re both busy people, and this doesn’t need to happen overnight.  You take some time; mourn your relationship, enjoy some alone time, work on new projects.  I’ll finish up school, try to get something published.  What’s important is that you know I’m here, waiting for you.  But not indefinitely.  Remember, I’m a pretty hot commodity, myself, so don’t wait too long.  This offer expires eventually.

Let's be honest: who doesn't want a piece of this?

So, again; take some time to yourself, Ryan.  Figure out what you want.  And when you decide that what you want is someone who will love and support you like I will, you’ll know where to find me.

Right here.

Terrible Roomates Part 2

After the whole thing with N, I ended up in a different suite in the same building, with a girl who I got along with pretty well, for one semester.  The following year, I roomed with another girl, Bernacki.  This post is about her.

I should probably describe Bernacki a little.  She’s a mad scientist (actually, an Environmental Science major, but which sounds cooler?  Come on).  She loves music and forces her favorites onto everyone within her general vicinity.  She skipped her senior prom to go hunting.  She’s a Democrat.  She once killed a moose with her bare hands (I may have made that one up; I have a hard time remembering what was true about Bernacki and what I just told people about her).  She has a crazy-religious Grandmother.  She has a plush Bob the Builder toy on her desk.  She’s a filthy thief.

Oh God she's looking it right in the eyes

Bernacki and I had a much better relationship than N and I because, as much as she drove me crazy, I antagonized her just as much in return.  Usually with my fists.  I’m getting ahead of myself, though.

I first met Bernacki when I moved in with my second roommate; Bernacki lived with a girl named Megan in the other room in our suite.  At our first dinner together, Bernacki asked what was in the potatoes.  No one answered.  After several quiet minutes, she mumbled menacingly, “It’s time.”

Holy Jesus, time for what?  Fresh from my roommate-related nightmare, I suddenly imagined some horrific new-roommate hazing process these girls might employ mid-dinner.

Please realize that I am trying to depict Bernacki as having curly hair, not as being a hobo without access to a hairbrush.

“Time for what?!”  I was clearly freaked out, much to my roomies’ amusement.

“No”, Bernacki explained.  “Not time.  It’s thyme.  In the potatoes.”

Oh.  And they never let me live that moment down.

Bernacki and I eventually settled into a happy routine.  I would check her for chemical spills after her chem. lab and proofread her reports, we would hang out in between classes, sing Patsy Cline songs to annoy our suitemates, and just overall be ridiculous together.  And then it happened.  Bernacki finally showed her true colors.  Her filthy, thieving colors.

Soil-sample brown and moose-blood red

About halfway through the semester, I noticed that I was missing a spoon.  I only owned two spoons at the time, so for one to go missing was pretty noticeable.  Of course, I asked Bernacki and our suitemates right away if they had borrowed it.  They all said no.  I cleared off my desk, moved it and looked behind it.  I searched our bedroom, living room, and bathroom; I went through all of my things and checked at home to see if maybe I had brought it home one weekend for some reason and forgotten it; I wrote a philosophy paper on the effect of a lost spoon on one’s mental, physical, and emotional well-being.  I could not find that spoon.

So beautiful

At first, I joked that Bernacki had taken the spoon, which was ridiculous… or was it?  Who else had access to our bedroom when I wasn’t around?  Our door was closed and locked when we were out.  Perhaps Bernacki had a voracious appetite for cinnamon applesauce and had run out of clean spoons and borrowed mine, then threw it away to hide the evidence.  Or maybe she was jealous of my spoons for their smooth, shiny spooniness, which she knew she could never rival.  Maybe a spoon killed her dog, and she’s always held a grudge.  Whatever her sick, sick reasons, I have never found that spoon.  Even after we moved out at the end of the year, cleaned out the room, and searched it.  That spoon is gone.  I often implored Bernacki to return my poor spoon to me, but she cruelly refuses and she STILL insists that she never took it!  Ha!  As if I was stupid enough to believe THAT!

Somehow, pictures of her with dead animals just feels so right.

According to Bernacki, my righteously-placed anger manifested at night, while I slept.  Allegedly, I woke her repeatedly by viciously beating her while we lay in our side-by-side beds.  I believe that this is her weak attempt to paint me as the bad guy, to throw suspicion of spoon-thievery off of her.  And even if it were true, I feel completely justified.  Anyone who kidnaps a helpless spoon deserves whatever they get.

Even in my sleep, I always keep it extremely real.

Bernacki partially redeemed herself at the end of the year, when there was a cook-out going on.  Our RD was outside at the grill, and my suitemates and I persuaded Bernacki to wear her waders outside and greet the RD like that.  She did it, and I have pictures.  If this doesn’t seem great to you, it’s because you’ve never seen Bernacki in chest-waders.  All past indiscretions were nearly forgiven, but Bernacki ruined it later (by continuing to deny that she took the spoon).  Now, all past indiscretions are very-much remembered.



I had to use real photos, because nothing I make could have ever done this moment justice.



Okay, I admit that I’m just being silly; Bernacki and I still get along pretty well, and we still live together (just not in the same room, but my current roommate is a story for next week).  However, I do have one last encounter to relay:

It was the end of that year, and I was in the bathroom, cleaning up, while Bernacki and her family were carrying her things out.  I said hi to them all, but focused on my very-important cleaning (which was actually most-likely a terrible idea; I was spraying cleaner that I probably should not have been inhaling within a small, contained area).  When Bernacki was just about moved out, her mom stopped to say goodbye to me.

Don't be concerned.  I'm just stoned on bathroom cleaner.

“Goodbye”, she said kindly.  “It was so nice to meet a friend of Rebecca’s.”  To which I responded:

“Yeah, it was nice- Wait, who’s Rebecca?”

Yeah, it turns out that “Bernacki” is her last name.  And she won’t let me live that one down, either.

Terrible Roommates Part 1

It’s no secret that letting your school choose a random roommate for you when you start college is a risky move.  You could end up with the person who becomes your best friend, who you eat all your meals with, stand up with as Maid of Honor in each other’s weddings, raise your children next door to, and eventually room together again in the nursing home; that is a possibility you have to look forward to.  Or you might get someone who tries to chew your face off at night.  It’s a risk.

"Dude!  What the heck!  AGAIN?!  And naked?"

When I first started college, I had originally wanted to room with a specific friend, but she ended up commuting from home, so that didn’t work out.  I ended up having to fill out an online form about myself, stuff like “Do you consider yourself a shy or outgoing person?” and “Are you a night owl or a morning person?” supposedly so they could match me with someone who had habits and values similar to myself.  Whoever makes the final decision on these things is doing a terrible job.

"What's the worst that could happen?"

Imagine me, please, on move-in day.  I had communicated with my new roommate once or twice through email, but had never actually met or spoken with her.  I was nervous and excited.  I was shy, and scared to be living away from my parents, and wanted her to like me so bad.

Me, trying way too hard.

At our first face-to-face meeting, I got that feeling in my guts that says Danger!  This person already hates you!  But I didn’t listen.

My roommate, “N”, was a little shorter than me, with dark blond hair and an irritated, impatient face.  That’s how she always looked when she looked at me.  Irritated and impatient.  However, I really wanted her to like me, and tried to get along with her.  Unfortunately, I’m shy, and very bad at communicating with other human beings.  Nevertheless, let it be known that I honestly tried.

At first, our only trouble was a discrepancy in our sleeping schedules.  I had some early classes, and liked going to bed early, or at least winding down and reading a book before bed, but N would sit up late playing Guitar Hero in the common room with our suitemates and the RA (who, I later realized, was really not supposed to get that friendly with the students in his hall).  The noise from the game (and N’s near-constant screaming in anger, I assume due to her doing poorly in the game) made it difficult for me to sleep, but I understood that she didn’t want to go to bed early, and I didn’t want to ruin her fun, or the ‘college experience’, or whatever, so I never complained.  I would just go to bed when I was ready to, and leave them alone in the common room to play.

N and I didn’t talk much.  The atmosphere always felt extremely tense to me when we were in the room together.  I have to admit, this was probably at least partially my fault since, as I’ve said before, I’m extremely shy and had a difficult time reaching out to people.  Because N didn’t really make the effort to make friendly conversation with me, I was usually too scared to try and initiate it myself.  I was invited to play Guitar Hero once or twice with my suitemates, and we did chat now and then, but for the most part, things were awkward and quiet between us.

When I realized that I was in real trouble was when I came back to the room one day to find a note taped to the door that said I owed N money for purchases she had made for the dorm (snacks, etc.).  I didn’t have a job, and knew that I couldn’t afford to give N money each time she bought things, so I told her that we would have to keep our purchases separate, and that I just wouldn’t use/eat the things that she bought.  Somehow, though, she got me to give her what little money I did have at the time (even though I never did eat any of her snacks), which I am still ashamed of myself for (for not standing up for myself more efficiently).

I'm the pathetic one on the left.  I think I had maybe ten dollars to my name at the time.

As time went by, it got worse.  N kept buying things and expecting money.  For some reason, she would buy toilet paper, even though it is supplied by the dorm, so I ended up having to bring in my own toilet paper, separate from theirs.  N and our suitemates criticized the way I cleaned when it was my weekend to do it (they had insisted that, instead of everyone just cleaning up after themselves, each weekend one person would clean the suite).  I tried to clean nicely, but they left their stuff all over the common room, so I had to clean around it, and it never really looked that nice.  They complained that my friend (and current roommate) Sarah would often help me clean on the weekends.  I still have no idea why this bothered them.  I did not, in any way, coerce Sarah; she volunteered to help. 

Can anyone explain to me what the problem here is?

They complained that when I texted someone, the keys clicking were too loud.  I began to feel overwhelmed by how much they disliked me, and I know that I’m not perfect and probably was annoying them without realizing it, and I’m sure that it made perfect sense to them why they didn’t like me, but to me, I was just a shy, scared, lonely kid with very few friends to confide in, who felt lonely and insecure every time I was in my room, where I should have felt at home.  I remember every time I came back to that room, walking up to the door and praying that everyone was out, so I could relax.  Or, sitting in the hall for hours, talking with Sarah, procrastinating because they were inside playing Guitar Hero, and I knew that I felt a lot lonelier in that room with them than I did walking around campus alone, and that’s pretty sad.  I remember having panic attacks in the middle of the night, and hoping that N wouldn’t notice me freaking out because, even though she was the one panicking me, I still really wanted her to like me.  I was constantly depressed, and I just wanted to sleep constantly, or play around on YouTube, or be at home with my parents.  My psoriasis got really bad (it’s a skin condition, and it’s exacerbated by stress).  Schoolwork never got to me, but my roommates did.

This may not seem that terrible to the outside observer, but trust me, it was nearly unbearable for me.  When I wasn’t being bullied for money, I was being ignored completely.  I can’t properly convey how lonely I felt.

It finally came to a head right before exams week of our first semester.  One of our suitemates asked me to come into the common room for a ‘suite meeting’.  I came out of my room, nervous, thinking that they were going to try to get more money out of me, or complain about my cleaning (I’m not a slob, by the way, so it wasn’t like I was leaving the suite filthy and they were reasonably upset about it).  No, they started by trying to convince me that I didn’t want to live with them because I was so quiet and kept to myself.  They told me how unfair it was to N to have to live like this because she had expected her roommate to be someone that would be her best friend (me too, N) and that it was really bringing her down and that they hated to see her so unhappy.  They told me that it kind of freaked them out that I was so quiet and read all the time.  They said that I didn’t know what living in a suite was about.  I was a little confused.  I asked straight out if they wanted me to move out, but they insisted that they didn’t, they just wanted to work this out.  I said; “I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m shy.  I mean, I know you want to know a little about me, but there’s not much to say, I mean… What would you like to know?  I don’t mind talking about myself…”  They all gave me a look that made it pretty clear that they were not interested in learning about me at that point (not that, I guess, I blame them for that.  After all, they had made up their minds at that point.)  N faced away from me, arms folded across her chest, looking irritable and impatient (as I shall always remember you, dear N!), and I don’t think that she said a single thing to me until near the end of the conversation, when she finally spat out (still turned away; and I do paraphrase slightly, but not much):

N: Well, it’s really unfair for you not to pay for groceries and stuff that we all use.

Me:  But I don’t use your things.  I specifically bring in my own things so that I’m not using stuff that you paid for.

N:  Well, what about the Swiffer mop?  You didn’t help pay for that, but you use it to clean.

Me: I don’t use that… I looked at it once, but it didn’t even have the cleaner stuff in it-

N:  But you looked at it, so you were going to use it.

GUILTY.

Me: Uh-

Suitemate: And your friend always comes in to help you clean.

Me: I don’t understand how-

N: Yeah, you don’t even do it yourself.

This went on for a while.  Eventually, they just said “we think you should move out” (which would had saved me some time and emotional trauma if they had just come out and said it when I asked), and told me about a friend of theirs who was moving out of a room down the hall because she didn’t get along with her roommate, and I mistakenly thought that they were asking me to switch places with her, but they quickly set me straight and made it clear that they’d prefer if I was actually in a completely different building.

"That's still a little close, don't you think?"

After the ‘suite meeting’ ended, with my agreeing to their terms (that I contact the RD and make plans to move out by next semester) I got my coat on and decided to go for a walk to clear my head.  As I left the room, our RA came in to hang out.  He didn’t look me in the eye when he saw me, and I wondered if he already knew, if they had been confiding in him what a terrible roommate I was.

I circled the campus once or twice.  At first, I was nervous and upset about the sudden uncertainty in my living arrangements for the next semester, but as I continued to walk, not in any particular direction or to any particular end, it really dawned on me how horrible I felt.  I just couldn’t believe that I was so unlikable that three people had all decided that they couldn’t bear to live with me any longer.  I ended up calling my parents and just started crying, and I’m not even embarrassed to admit it.  Alone, cold, and in the dark in the middle of December, I cried standing next to the road, facing a parking lot, crying because for some reason, I am incapable of being liked, even a little.  I was away from home, Sarah and I had been arguing, and my roommates hated me.  I felt completely alone.  I think it was probably my lowest point in college.

My dad came and got me.  He took me to a diner because I hadn’t eaten, and I commuted throughout finals week.  When I went home that night, I took as much of my stuff as I could, and as soon as I was given my new room assignment, I moved the rest of my things there.  I barely acknowledged any of them when I went in to get my things; the hurt feelings were just still too raw at that point.  But do you know what really makes me crazy?  When I came back for the last of my things, I could smell popcorn really strongly in the room.

They’d been using my microwave.

Next Week- Vengeance

The Sad Tale of Spunky the Hamster

A few years ago now, my parents made a deal with my younger sister.  That deal was that if she were to keep her bedroom clean for a certain amount of time, she would be rewarded with a hamster to keep as a pet.  They seemed to ignore the fact that this was a terrible idea, given that we already kept several cats in our house.

The decision was made despite my input, however, and we soon adopted two furry little hamsters.  We were told that they were both male.  We were lied to.

LIES!

Soon, our home was overrun by the adorable little monsters.  At first, I loved them as much as anyone else might; they were tiny, furry balls of cuteness.  I had no natural defense against that.  There is no defense against that level of cuteness.



Had Hitler used Nazi Hamsters, we'd all be speaking German now.



That was right before the Hamster Massacre of ’08 began.

Those hamsters were brutally murdered, left and right, by those evil, evil cats of ours.  It seems like every day we were tearing fuzzy corpses out of malevolent feline jaws.  Eventually, out of heartbroken despair, I closed my heart to the hamsters.  After all, you can only see so many hamsters horribly killed before you become desensitized to it.

Meh.  You see one hall filled with the blood of innocents, you've seen 'em all.

I became bitter and lonely; I rejected all love that came my way, certain that, somehow, it would be eaten by a cat.  And then, one day, there was Spunky.

Spunky the Hamster seemed, at first, to be an ordinary hamster.  I started out feeling nothing for him; after all, I had witnessed the deaths of so many other hamsters before; I could not afford to become emotionally attached to another one, only to watch him die.

But Spunky would not accept that.  He spent many a day by my side, following me around everywhere I went.  He changed my flat tire, read me bedtime stories, brought me soup when I was sick, and knit me a blanket with love in every stitch.  No one had ever gone so far out of their way for me before.  Slowly but surely, he was winning me over.

Then came the night that solidified our relationship.  I had gone out with friends that evening to hang out and maybe see a movie, but things ended up getting a little crazy.  One minute we were playing Illegal Immigrant in the back of Sarah’s pick-up truck, and the next thing I knew, we were on a crazy spree through town, downing Cherry-Cherry Limeades at Denny’s and playing hide-and-go-seek in the Wal-Mart.

By night’s end, I was completely out of it, stumbling around a strip mall parking lot.  My friends were gone, but I was too ashamed to call my parents for a ride home.  They would surely have questions about what I’d been out doing all night, and why I kept mumbling that I was sick of pie, too, and then start giggling.  I just needed someone to bring me home, so I could just sleep it all off.  I called the only one that I knew I could count on: Spunky.

Also, Jesus let me use his cell phone.  He's pretty cool like that.

He came and got me, all right, but he didn’t just take me home and put me to bed, oh no.  He made me sit up almost all night, sipping orange juice and snacking on crackers as he chewed me out for my outrageous behavior.

At first, it ticked me off.  After all, who was he to tell me what to do?  I could take care of myself… or so I thought.  But after several more nights with ‘friends’ like the one described above, always ending with faithful Spunky picking me up and telling me off, my attitude changed.  I began to realize how much Spunky must care for me, and I realized that I had grown to love him in return.  With his help, I turned my life around.  I realized that my behavior stemmed from trauma; the Hamster Massacre had shocked me into shutting down my emotions, and I was acting out as a way to just feel something, anything.  But I didn’t have to do that anymore.  Spunky had taught me to love again.

We were very happy, for a while.  I kept Spunky in a lovely hamster ball for most of the time, which he liked, as it allowed him to easily follow me around while getting an excellent cardiovascular workout.  We spent several happy weeks together; going for walks, attending local theatre events and craft shows, watching movies on rainy days.  Even our occasional moments of bickering are memories I now hold dear.

The day that it all came to an end started out normally enough.  I had stepped into another room to grab a magazine when I heard what sounded like a scuffle in the other room.  Actually, it sounded more like a “cat viciously murdering a helpless, adorable hamster” sort of sound.  Anyway, I burst from the room, my mind trying to reject what I already knew must be true.  There, in the jaws of a big tan-and-white cat, dangled my poor Spunky.

I pried his mangled remains from the beast, and held him close to me as he drew his last few, painful, breaths.

“Spunky!” I cried out, “You must hold on!  You can’t die like this, you taught me to love!”

“You must go on,” Spunky wheezed as he gasped his last, “You must learn to love… again…” and then he was gone.

I will tell you, my friends, that it was hard, so hard, not to crawl back into that hole of hedonistic madness in which I had once dwelt, and which Spunky had dragged me out of.  I realized, though, that it would be an insult to him, and to the love I felt for him, to go back to my old ways, and so, for him, I forced myself to move on.  I had to love again.  For Spunky.

For Spunky!

The moral of my story is this; hamsters are small and practically defenseless.  If you are going to learn to love again, try loving something that won’t die immediately.

Capoeira: The Power of the Pants

Friends, I know that you will not judge me, so I will share with you my darkest secret: I am, alas, not in terribly good shape.  Despite my best efforts, I seem completely incapable of maintaining any kind of healthy habits.  I always have the very best of intentions, but somehow always end up abandoning any exercise routine that I begin. 

I'm just so easily distracted...

My roommate, Sarah, on the other hand, started a running regimen to keep in shape last semester while studying in England.  Being the beast that she is, she continued that practice after returning home at the start of this past summer, only then she had the disadvantage of having me for a running partner.  We set goals and talked a good game about how much we were going to run (so much!), but our enthusiasm eventually petered out.  I think I was a bad influence on her.

Although I actually grew to enjoy the running routine we had, I was really just trying to get my body used to the frequent physical activity, so I would be in decent shape to join our school’s Capoeira club, which I’d been interested in checking out for months.  When the running stopped, it was just around the start of the new semester, anyway, so I figured it was enough.  I’d start learning Capoeira (an Afro-Brazilian martial-arts/dance form), and that would keep me in excellent shape.  No other exercise necessary!

These guns don't lie.

Yeah, I went to about four meetings.

It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy Capoeira.  I did.  It was just terribly intense.  I left each class in pain, limping pathetically back to my dorm room.  I could only make it to about one meeting a week, since I needed the rest of the week to recover from the previous meeting.  I couldn’t even roll over in bed at night without going “OW!  MY BUTT!!!”  Also, many other students in the group were dancers who, if not doing it perfectly, at least avoided looking like wounded water buffaloes attempting simultaneous cartwheels/roundhouse kicks.  I worried that I would never catch up to the others.  Each meeting felt more painful and embarrassing than the last.  I thought that my summer running effort had been for nothing.

Why must I be so awkward?

At last, there was a shining beacon of hope; a chance to improve my pathetic skills.  One evening in class, the club co-presidents offered us lowly students the opportunity to buy...

For a nominal fee!

CAPOEIRA PANTS!!!

You need to understand that I HAD TO HAVE THOSE PANTS.  For some reason, I was suddenly certain that if I could only obtain a pair of pants with CAPOEIRA printed down the side, I would be magically transformed into the most graceful and impressive performer of Capoeira ever.  Everyone would envy my mad Capoeira skills.  Capoeira enthusiasts from around the world would gather in awe to see me perform.

As you can probably guess, that is not at all what happened.  No, I continued my wounded water buffalo routine for a few more practices before giving in to my more dominant nature.

I'm just really easily distracted by comics...

And that is how I went from a healthy summer routine to hiding in my dorm room, eating bagels and grilled cheese everyday.

Preparing for the coming winter.