Dear Ryan Reynolds: A Proposal

Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson are divorcing.  I was shocked and upset to hear about this, because people that beautiful belong together.  They would have made the Earth’s most perfect babies. 

Their beautiful messiah baby

However, neither of them asked for my opinion.  Anyway, out of respect for their privacy, I will not bother speculating on the reasons behind the divorce, or anything along those lines.  No, this is not a gossip-y, tabloid-y post.  This is a heartfelt, tender message to the man I love.

            Marry me, Ryan Reynolds.

            You know how long I have loved you.  Of course, I never would have wished for this sad ending to your marriage, nor would I have made advances while you were still with Scarlett, but I feel that now is the time to make my intentions clear.  Soon, perhaps already, you will be deluged with gorgeous women who have been waiting for this opportunity to pounce on you.  You may wonder if they truly love you for you, or if all they see is your money and fame, and sweet Jesus abs.  Well, I can tell you, Ryan, I am not like those women.  I will appreciate you for who you are, regardless of your socio-economic class or unusually beautiful face.  Remember The Amityville Horror, where you were all creepy and murderlicious?  I would totally have still hooked up with you.  Or Just Friends, at the beginning, when you were playing the fat and nerdy kid?  Yes, Ryan.  Even then.  Even then, I loved you.  I’m not here for your looks.  I don’t care about money.  I’m pretty sure fame would annoy me after the first half-hour.  I’m not here for me; I’m here because of my great and abiding love for you.

Pictured:  Me loving you even if you really did get fat.

            I know that I’m no glamorous Hollywood starlet, but maybe that’s what you need; someone who will stay by your side, supporting you throughout your career, not worried about their own publicity.  There would be no need to worry about if I’m only pushing my own agenda by being with you, because I don’t work in that business.  There would be no balancing act between our careers, because we work in two completely separate fields.  Conflicting schedules and the strain of distance would never be an issue for us, because I’m a writer: have laptop, will travel.  Or a notebook.  Or, hell, for you?  The back of an envelope.  Whatever’s handy, so long as we’re together.  I can be flexible.  I’m willing to put in the effort to make this work.

Effort!

            And, honestly?  I’ve done a little acting in my past.  Not really interested anymore in making a career out of it, but if you ever needed help with ‘getting’ a character, or running lines, or whatever, I’m there for you, baby.  And if you prefer doing that kind of thing on your own?  That’s cool, too.  I have my own interests, as well.  I’m a well-rounded person.  I’ve got my writing, and I also enjoy reading (books and comics), baking, sketching, and dancing like a crazy person.  I have friends.  I’m not a crazy, obsessed stalker; I just love you, and I think that you could love me, too.  I could be good for you.

Our messiah-cyborg baby.  See how much better it could be with me?

            Understand me, Ryan.  I’m not looking for a ticket onto the red carpet, though I’d be marching up and down that thing singing your praises to all if I were there.  I would tell everyone how wonderful you were.  I would do this at premieres for movies that you’re not even in.  Because I love you that much. 

...and the masses shall be taught to worship you

I know, I know; this seems a little forward.  It’s too soon.  I understand.  In fact, I’m still working towards my BA.  We’re both busy people, and this doesn’t need to happen overnight.  You take some time; mourn your relationship, enjoy some alone time, work on new projects.  I’ll finish up school, try to get something published.  What’s important is that you know I’m here, waiting for you.  But not indefinitely.  Remember, I’m a pretty hot commodity, myself, so don’t wait too long.  This offer expires eventually.

Let's be honest: who doesn't want a piece of this?

So, again; take some time to yourself, Ryan.  Figure out what you want.  And when you decide that what you want is someone who will love and support you like I will, you’ll know where to find me.

Right here.