7+1 Mythological Creatures (That Are A Very Real Threat to Your Safety)

In honor of the swift approach of Halloween, I have put together a list of supernatural creatures that are considered by many to be myths.  Yes, these beings may seem too fantastical to exist, but I assure you, they are really real.  Keep this in mind the next time you go out at night, whether you are trick-or-treating or painting doorknobs with LSD or whatever it is you kids do nowadays.  Have fun this October 31^st, but be sure to keep an eye out for these creatures of darkness, things like…

7. Ghosts

Many people think that ghosts aren’t real; that they are only a figment of the imagination, or outright lies.  Well, as someone who has lived in haunted houses for approximately my entire life, I consider myself something of an expert at detecting paranormal activity, and I can assure you that they are real.

A ghost lives in one of the buildings on my college campus.  I know this because I have seen him.  Well, I’ve seen his work, at least.  Every day in one of my classes, the door swings shut of its own accord.

Suspicion

WOOOO!!!  Are you scared yet?  No?  Then read on!

There is also a ghost in my dorm room, as I’ve previously stated.  He doesn’t really do anything, but at night when it’s dark, he waves at me from the closet.  Sometimes he glides over to chat. 

He’s okay, for a ghost, I guess.  He’s just not much of a conversationalist.



"Hey.  You asleep?  I'm lonely."



6. Werewolves

Werewolves are everywhere, just everywhere.  The problem with identifying werewolves, though, is that people don’t usually even realize when they’re face-to-face with one.  Also, they are usually horribly killed, so they are unable to ever tell anyone that they saw a real live werewolf.

A good way to stay alert to werewolf activity is to be aware of what’s going on in your community.  Have there been many grisly maulings and/or murders in your area?  Have many small children or animals gone missing, or resurfaced with terrible werewolf-like mauling wounds?  Most importantly, have any surviving victims of such attacks begun to hunger for warm blood and flesh at the full moon, and then started turning into werewolves?  Does anyone in your community get visibly upset when you wave a gun loaded with silver bullets in their face?  Then, sad to say, you probably live in a werewolf-infested town, or possibly an actual werewolf pack.  If you find that the latter is true, then you are probably a werewolf yourself and have no need for this entry.  I’m sorry to have wasted your precious time, which could have been used mauling non-werewolves.  Or other werewolves, if you’re into that.  I’m actually not completely aware of how werewolf societies function.  Moving on…

5. Vampires

Ah, the timeless vampire.  Once seen as a hideous demon beast, he eventually evolved into an elegant and seductive sophisticate.  Now he is a hideous demon beast again, albeit a glittery emo one.



Life is so sad and sparkly; it makes me cut myself.



The best way to defend yourself against a vampire is to wear full-body chain mail, with a steel throat guard.  Also, a little garlic perfume or cologne wouldn’t hurt.  And always remember, if anyone gets too close to your neck for any reason; punch them in the most sensitive and closely available region, because apparently vampire physiology is a lot like a human’s, now.

Thanks to my sister for being the model and inspiration for this picture.

I myself have not yet met a vampire in person, but I know that they exist.  I have seen them on television, boldly revealing secrets of the vampire lifestyle.  I would think that they should be punished for this, but, meh.  It seems that vampire leaders have just stopped caring.

Lets face it; it’s gotten a lot less awesome to be a vampire.  Anne Rice doesn’t even seem to want in anymore.

4. Elk People

Awww snap; this just got real. 

Elk People are, for the unlearned, a race of people born with the lower half of an elk, and the upper half of a person.  They are never born the opposite way.  Such a creature is a Person Elk, and they are a largely benign people.  Elk People, on the other hand, leave home when they reach adulthood, build shacks to live in near roads, and then shank travelers for their money. 

The Proud Elk-Person

Let me make this clear:  the Elk People do not need this money.  They may become very wealthy by this lifestyle, and they seldom pay their fair taxes, but their riches mean nothing to them.  If they have a guest, they will offer them at least half of their wealth; the money is meaningless to them.  They shank for the love of shanking. 

And this is why they are on this list.  Elk People may be fantastic hosts, but they are a terrifying possibility for travelers with soft, shankable tummies.  Elk People are a very real threat to the American people, which can only beg the question:  Why won’t Obama address the REAL issues?!

AHA!  I knew it!

3. Demons

Demons exist, and I know this, because my dorm room is the devil’s bathroom.  It is hot and humid, like he’s just showered, so I guess that his hygiene is pretty good at least, in case any of you were worried about that…

Yes, I know.  My room is both haunted by a chatty ghost and used as a cleaning station for Satan himself.  I know what you are thinking; No one should have to live in such conditions.  It’s true, but what can I do?  I suffer on in silence.

My point about demons is this: if demons live in your house/apartment/dorm room, as long as they practice good hygiene, I advise you not to worry about it.  Live and let live.

Buuuut… If your demon roommate doesn’t ever shower or do their laundry or eats all of your snack cakes?  You should really talk to your RA about the situation, because that’s just gross and inconsiderate.  And if your RA isn’t able to help, go to your local Catholic Church and see what the going rate on exorcisms is; it’s usually best to let experts handle the situation. 

Whatever your choice when it comes to handling demons, make sure you set limitations from the very beginning.  Make certain that they understand that you will not tolerate mooching, a stinky room, or any sort of demonic possession.  Hear them out, too.  Maybe they have a few complaints about your behavior.  For this living arrangement to work, you must respect each other’s boundaries.

Making it work!



2. Zombies

Zombies are the walking dead.  They are everywhere.  There is no good in debating hypothetical apocalyptic scenarios involving zombies overtaking the Earth.  It has already happened.  Open your eyes.

Every day when I leave the safety of my dorm room, I see hordes of zombies wandering the campus.  Luckily, I have been able to evade them so far.  They don’t seem that interested in catching me, so I am forced to assume that they have decomposed past the point of being able to use any sort of sense that may help them to catch me.  Nevertheless, I am always vigilant, lest I be caught unawares.

When I am home, I sit up all night, watching over my house from the safety of my perch on the counter.  I sit there all night, ready to fight should the need arise, until my father comes down in the morning, confused.  He has surely gone mad due to the crisis; he seems completely unaware of the dire situation.

Poor, crazy Dad.

That is all right.  I seek no thanks, nor any kind of recognition.  I only ask that you learn from my example.  There is not much else to say on this subject.  The only defense against a zombie is vigilance.  Also, headshots.  So, the only two defenses, then.

1.  Witches

I became aware of several witches at my school early in the semester.  They wear all black, with high collars and long skirts, and shiny, pointed shoes.  I did not understand them at first so, naturally, I feared them, and avoided the Witches at all costs.

In a blaze of enlightenment, however, I realized that the “Witches” may actually be Wiccans, and so they probably worship nature and are super-cool and I have no reason at all to fear them or hesitate to befriend them.

Tolerance and acceptance!

I reached out to these women, with the intent to learn more about their beliefs, but I had made a horrible mistake.  These were not Wiccans.  These were the Old Kind of Witches.

This kind.

I will not bore you with all the details on how I eventually escaped these skanks of Satan, but I will say that I now have a much greater respect for the baking skills my mother taught me, and the fairy tales I was read as a child.

I will avoid making a grossly insensitive and obscene reference to my family's German heritage at this point.

Due to ongoing legal investigations, that is all I am at liberty to say.

+1. The Great Pumpkin

Yes, the Emperor of Evil has made the list.  The Great Pumpkin may have poor publicity, but he is as real as you or I.

Every Halloween, The Great Pumpkin rises out of the most sincere pumpkin patch, supposedly to give gifts to the good boys and girls of the world, but in actuality… Well, let’s just say that there is a reason no one has ever seen him.

Seen him and lived, that is!

Bet you wish you'd gone to that Halloween party now, don't you?

Take my warnings to heart, or you may be just another ‘missing person’ statistic, who has, in reality, become prey to the creatures on this list.

          WOOOO!!!  I bet you’re scared, now!  Mission accomplished, Me.