Tip: If you don’t know what a thylacine is, look it up before reading this. Or don’t, and just go with the flow of things.
RRrrawr! |
Setting: Australian outback. An orchestra sits atop a rather large and out-of-place hill, with the audience in folding chairs in front of the musicians, sloping down the hillside. Everything else is flat and non-descript.
Wide shot of the scene; the orchestra plays, softly at first, and slowly becomes louder until about a minute in. Music swells majestically as a pack of thylacines race by the hill.
Medium shot of girl in the audience (AMANDA), whose attention has been caught by the pack. She leaps out of her seat, practically flies down the hill, and catches one of the smaller, weaker thylacines by the throat. The music continues in the background, but it has become softer and more menacing.
MOTHER THYLACINE: grabbing AMANDA viciously by the throat with her powerful jaws Let Freddy go! Let ‘im go!!!
AMANDA: throttling baby thylacine Unhinge your jaw, beast! Show me your terrors!
MOTHER THYLACINE: Let ‘im go!!!
Close up of 2nd girl in the audience (SARAH) whose attention is being split between the magnificent performance, and the absurdly violent act taking place at the base of the hill. The shot expands to reveal that the occupant of the seat to her immediate left is an Australian funnel-web spider. Her surprise is replaced by surprise and horror when the spider suddenly jumps from its seat and lands on her face, repeatedly biting her in the eye.
SARAH: scratching at the spider over her eye Um, sir..? Please stop. Sir? That’s my eye you’re biting. Excuse me. Stop that, please.
MOTHER THYLACINE: off screen Let Freddy go!!!
Focus turns to orchestra, where it now becomes apparent that there is only one human playing an instrument (ALEX). The rest of the orchestra is composed entirely of thylacines and funnel-web spiders.
FUNNEL-WEB SPIDER: still biting SARAH’s eye That’s my grandfather playing bassoon up there. Yeah, he’s pretty good for his age.
ALEX: For his age? Not for his species, but for his age? That’s what impresses you?
SARAH: Please stop biting my eye!
AMANDA: Unhinge your jaw! It doesn’t have to be this way!
MOTHER THYLACINE: Let Freddy go! Let ‘im go!!!
The scene has descended into chaos. The music is fast and threatening. The characters are speaking their lines over one another; no one individual can be understood. Suddenly, there is Samuel L. Jackson; all music and lines halt abruptly. There is no explanation of where he came from or how he approached this desolate place unnoticed. He is simply there. He has a mission; a mission to end this chaos the only way he knows how.
He runs, and as he runs, the land behind him explodes in a fiery torrent of explosion. Each step he takes in punctuated by a ‘cha-BOOM’, and his feet leave the earth, given a boost by the blast behind him. A single thylacine keeps pace with him, determined to strike him down: Samuel L. Jackson and thylacines are eternal nemeses. As they run, all other creatures, including the other thylacines, spiders, and three human characters, are lost to the blazing madness that follows SLJ.
They reach the edge of Australia . The final blast that consumes the continent gives SLJ and the Last Living Thylacine a mighty push. They seem to fly. They fly for about twenty-four hours. Then they land in the US .
Samuel L. Jackson’s mission is nearly complete: he has destroyed all of Australia, but he has not yet destroyed the last thylacine. As their feet touch the ground, they quickly assume battle poses; each one knowing that only one may leave this clash alive.
To be continued…
Samuel L. Jackson appears courtesy of Samuel L. Jackson.
No thylacines were harmed in the making of this post, except for Freddy.
Special thanks to Samuel L. Jackson.
I FREAKING LOVE IT!!!! And thank god no other thylacines were hurt. I don't care about Freddy. The little bastard had it coming!!!!!!
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