There’s a Fetish for That

fe-tish also fe-tich...

            1 : an object (as an idol or image) believed to have magical powers (as in curing disease)

            2 : an object of unreasoning devotion or concern

            3 : an object whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification

                        from The Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Since you’re reading this online (I’m taking for granted that nobody prints up copies of these posts for distribution), I’m going to assume that we’re all familiar with the following concept: if it exists, there’s porn of it.  I’m uncomfortable with this idea, not just because of the horrible, horrible implications, but because it implies that there is a market for all of this everything-in-existence pornography, which in and of itself implies (by my calculations, which are based on absolutely nothing but boredom and anti-math) that someone you know and come into contact with regularly must be the target audience for at least one awful type of porn.  And, seriously?  Think about that phrase.  If it exists, it’s porn.  Everything in existence.  That means that, somewhere, there’s stapler porn, or souvenir magnets porn, or chalk-drawing porn, or half-washed-away-by-the-rain chalk drawings porn.  Seriously?  EVERYTHING?!  EVERYTHING IN EXISTENCE?!!

So, in trying to wrap my head around this idea, I’ve become obsessed with the idea of fetishes, and what could be made into one.  Theoretically, everything should be able to be a fetish, since we clearly need fuel for our filthy everything porn.  My everyday experiences lead me to new and confusing possible fetishes all the time.  I eat an orange as a snack; is that a fetish?  Are there any orange fetishists out there?  I walked through a puddle this afternoon.  Is there such a thing as a puddle fetish?

The more I think about it, the more specific I get.

Really?  Ok, how about ‘deer crossing train tracks at dusk’?  Is that a fetish?  Air-dried sheets on the line caught in the rain.  Fetish?  Samuel L. Jackson-Thylacine sitcom pilot?  A cerulean-blue windbreaker hanging on a coat rack in a room that is exactly 62 degrees (F)?  Space Werewolves?  Are these fetishes?  CAN YOU FIND PORNOGRAPHY OF THESE THINGS??!  DOES THAT EXIST?!

I’m driving myself crazy here.  Literally.  (Is that a fetish?)  In my abnormal psych class, this was made very clear to me.  Now, I may be slightly too much of a hypochondriac to take a course like this, since basically every disorder we cover ends with me saying “I definitely, DEFINITELY have that”, but my professor basically made it clear last class that I definitely definitely DO have that; “that” being, of course, psychosis.

Yes, that’s right.  I misinterpreted ink blots.  I didn’t even know you COULD misinterpret ink blots.  But I did.  (Is that a fetish?)

Sitting in my philosophy course, an even more mind-blowing idea occurred to me: if we accept that, for the concept of infinity to exist, all things that can exist must exist, (is that a fetish?) does that mean that there is infinity porn, in which all things that can be, must be?  How would you even film that? (Is filming infinity porn a fetish in and of itself?)  Can there possibly be a target audience for such a thing?

Or how about this: if there is porn of all things, and not all things are sexual, is there porn in existence in which nothing sexual is taking place?  Is that a fetish?

Are there almost- fetishes?  As in, you get turned on by something that’s almost something else, but not quite?  Like, you get super-hot for tangelos, but have no real feelings either way for tangerines or grapefruit?  It’s just that it’s almost a tangerine, or almost a grapefruit that gets you excited?  Almost-midget porn, where the actors are extremely short, but are not quite eligible for “little people” status?  Almost elderly porn, where the performers are just under the age requirement for getting the senior discount at Country Kitchen Buffet?  And it’s not that the viewer is into that particular height or age or whatever, it’s the fact that they’re almost something else.  Is there “almost-something-else” porn in the world?  Is that a thing?  Is there something like an “almost-bestiality” fetish?

oh, right.

I’m sorry, I just can’t accept this.  My brain won’t allow it.  I DENY YOU, RULE 34!  There can’t possibly be porn of everything in existence.  It just can’t be.  Which is why I’ve decided to fill that gap in the industry. 

Are you a lonely, sad person whose bizarre fantasies are not being catered to?  Why, then, send a description of your twisted desires to me, and I will supply desperate, starving actors to act out your perverted dreams, you sick, warped individual, you.  Why, for the right price, you REALLY WILL be able to find any kind of porn your heart desires!  Even Space Werewolves, you ask?

Even Space Werewolves.

How to Train Your Giant Lizard-Beast

Sarah and I had a conversation the other day around 3 am that went something like this:

We had actually been sitting up, watching the episodes from the last season of Avatar, the Last Airbender, when I somehow came up with the idea that giant lizard-beast = respect.  I repeated this idea to Sarah several times, each time slightly more incoherently, before passing out, giggling sleepily to myself.  When I woke up the next morning, though, I was still convinced that this was, indeed, the case; if you want the respect of your peers, you must acquire a giant lizard-beast ASAP.  However, gaining a lizard-beast in and of itself is not enough.  And so, I have helpfully put together instructions to guide your through the training and operation of your giant lizard-beast.

1. You cannot gain the respect of your peers without first earning the Lizard’s respect.

Having the Lizard is not enough!  You must first prove to him that you are a worthy master.  If your Lizard senses that you are weak, he will not listen to your commands.  His derision will bring shame upon your family.  He may eat you.  This is not what you want.  In order to gain his respect, you will have to impress him with your skills as a warrior.  A good way to do this is by challenging a rival to a fight to the death, and defeating them.  It is very important that your opponent is an equal; otherwise your Lizard will be disgusted by your cowardice and lack of faith in your abilities.  After you have defeated your foe, you’ll probably have gained your Lizard’s respect, but you may want to devour the carcass of your fallen enemy, just to remind your Lizard that you are not only capable of destroying an adversary, but are wise enough to then add their strength to your own. 

You will definitely have earned his respect, then.

2. Use your lizard-beast only for appropriate occasions.

Sure, once you’ve gained his respect and he starts allowing you to actually ride him places, you’ll want to take your Lizard everywhere, right?  Well, don’t.  Not every event is suitable for the usage of a lizard-beast.  For example, occasions where he’ll get in the way of others; crowded places such as amusement parks, inside public buildings, backstage at local theater productions.  Keep in mind: a giant lizard-beast is a very showy form of transportation.  Before using him, ask yourself; is this event about me?  Will I be stealing someone else’s moment by arriving astride a giant lizard-beast? 

"You should have chosen me, Helen!"

Meditating on these questions should help you understand the best times and occasions to use your Lizard.

3. Be considerate of your Lizard’s needs.

Your lizard-beast is not a slave to your every whim.  If he chooses to carry you where you wish to go, it is only because of his respect and, in time, affection for you.  If you do not bother to nurture a loving relationship with your Lizard, you will find in time that he will stop responding to your commands, and will eventually move on to a new home.  For the purposes of this guide, I’ll assume that you want your Lizard to stick around, and the only way for that to happen is if you make it clear how much you care for him.  There are many good ways to show affection for your giant lizard-beast.  For example, make a point of making his favorite dinner every so often, and make sure that he always has fresh, clean blankets on his bed.  Remember, lizards are cold blooded, and need an outside heat source in order to stay warm, so it is necessary to make certain that their beds are warm and cuddly, and it wouldn’t hurt to snuggle with your Lizard now and then; little things like this will make your giant lizard-beast feel safe and loved, which in turn will strengthen your bond.

4. Impress the World with Your Awesomeness!

If you’ve made it this far; congratulations!  You have successfully earned your giant lizard-beast’s respect, learned the appropriate ways to utilize his transporting abilities, and cultivated a beautiful and fulfilling relationship with him, the likes of which you will never find with another human being.  Now it is finally time to shove it in everyone’s faces.  They didn’t believe in you.  They never thought that you could train a giant lizard-beast to do your bidding!  Well, look who’s laughing, now!  Feel free to laugh maniacally as your acquaintances look on in envy and confusion when you come hurdling down the street astride your Lizard.  Imagine the sweet taste of victory as you watch your clearly-inferior neighbors suffer from brainsplosions and spontaneous human combustion as their tiny minds struggle to comprehend your fantastic-ness.  Imagine how attractive to the opposite sex you will now appear!  Imagine the RESPECT!

IMAGINE THE POWER!