When The Zombies Come, Will You Be Ready?

Question: If the zombie apocalypse happened tonight, would you be prepared?

Answer: No, of course not.  No one ever is.  So, sit back and pay attention, because I am going to share with you the story of what could happen in the event of a zombie apocalypse, and what I tell you may save your life someday, when the zombies come.

And they will come.

*                                                                      *                                                                      *

My sister, Emily, doesn’t worry too much about werewolves or vampires or other supernatural flim-flam, but when there’s a ghost in her daughter’s closet or a chupacabra in the woods behind her house, she takes that business extremely seriously.  So, you can imagine how seriously Emily took the zombie threat.

Months before the zombie’s came, Emily was making plans.  She took shooting lessons, trained her children in various martial arts and cheerleading forms, and meticulously inspected the local Wal-Mart for its suitability as either a temporary or long-term base from which our modest resistance would operate.  She stockpiled food and toilet paper like it was Y2K, or maybe 2012, and chose members of her group based on the skills they would provide.

When the zombies came, she was well-prepared, and all went well.

At first.

*                                                                      *                                                                      *

Unlike Emily, Sarah did not thoroughly prepare.  Before the zombies came, she wasted her time getting a degree in English and planning for a non-zombie future.  Despite several warnings from friends (mostly me), Sarah refused to take the zombie threat seriously.  When the zombies came, she really had only one option.

When the threat has passed, she will emerge from her cryogenic slumber.

*                                                                      *                                                                      *

Bernacki didn’t plan, she didn’t prepare; but then, she never does.  When the zombies came, Bernacki was in the Science Center on campus, developing a serum that may or may not have actually started the whole fiasco.  Whether or not Bernacki intentionally provoked the zombie apocalypse as a way to relieve the boredom of an otherwise normal afternoon remains to be seen.  What is known is that that day, in her laboratory, the most devastating wave of zombism in human history was unleashed.

And Bernacki owned it.

*                                                                      *                                                                      *

I have devoted a fair portion of my life preparing for an eventual zombie apocalypse.  I have developed both escape and battle plans for all conceivable forms of zombie menace.  When the inevitable first-wave came, I was completely and utterly prepared to deal with the threat.

Totes got this.  Totes.

Or so I thought.

Are you loving it?  Are you learning, yet?  At the very least, have you not yet given up on life?  Then check back next week for the next installment of my current series “Zombie Apocalypse”.  When the zombies come, you’ll be glad you did!

Also…

Bu-bu-bu-Bonus!

Thanks for bearing with me last week.  I was lost amidst a sea of exams, essays, and extracurriculars!  As a show of gratitude, and a desire to add extra pictures to this week’s post, I’ve decided to tack on this little bonus piece, detailing the trials and tribulations of the past couple weeks, so you’ll know that I wasn’t just screwing around and not bothering to update.

Bernacki graduated!

I caught my one true love, Sandwich Boy, with some other girl.

I got a tattoo!
OK, so it's a spray-on tattoo, whatever.

And, I ate pizza like a BEAST!  Like a GIANT, PIZZA-EATING BEAST!!!
This is practically all I ate during finals week.

Ok, so I kinda was totally just screwing around, mostly.  Don’t judge.

There’s a Fetish for That

fe-tish also fe-tich...

            1 : an object (as an idol or image) believed to have magical powers (as in curing disease)

            2 : an object of unreasoning devotion or concern

            3 : an object whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification

                        from The Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Since you’re reading this online (I’m taking for granted that nobody prints up copies of these posts for distribution), I’m going to assume that we’re all familiar with the following concept: if it exists, there’s porn of it.  I’m uncomfortable with this idea, not just because of the horrible, horrible implications, but because it implies that there is a market for all of this everything-in-existence pornography, which in and of itself implies (by my calculations, which are based on absolutely nothing but boredom and anti-math) that someone you know and come into contact with regularly must be the target audience for at least one awful type of porn.  And, seriously?  Think about that phrase.  If it exists, it’s porn.  Everything in existence.  That means that, somewhere, there’s stapler porn, or souvenir magnets porn, or chalk-drawing porn, or half-washed-away-by-the-rain chalk drawings porn.  Seriously?  EVERYTHING?!  EVERYTHING IN EXISTENCE?!!

So, in trying to wrap my head around this idea, I’ve become obsessed with the idea of fetishes, and what could be made into one.  Theoretically, everything should be able to be a fetish, since we clearly need fuel for our filthy everything porn.  My everyday experiences lead me to new and confusing possible fetishes all the time.  I eat an orange as a snack; is that a fetish?  Are there any orange fetishists out there?  I walked through a puddle this afternoon.  Is there such a thing as a puddle fetish?

The more I think about it, the more specific I get.

Really?  Ok, how about ‘deer crossing train tracks at dusk’?  Is that a fetish?  Air-dried sheets on the line caught in the rain.  Fetish?  Samuel L. Jackson-Thylacine sitcom pilot?  A cerulean-blue windbreaker hanging on a coat rack in a room that is exactly 62 degrees (F)?  Space Werewolves?  Are these fetishes?  CAN YOU FIND PORNOGRAPHY OF THESE THINGS??!  DOES THAT EXIST?!

I’m driving myself crazy here.  Literally.  (Is that a fetish?)  In my abnormal psych class, this was made very clear to me.  Now, I may be slightly too much of a hypochondriac to take a course like this, since basically every disorder we cover ends with me saying “I definitely, DEFINITELY have that”, but my professor basically made it clear last class that I definitely definitely DO have that; “that” being, of course, psychosis.

Yes, that’s right.  I misinterpreted ink blots.  I didn’t even know you COULD misinterpret ink blots.  But I did.  (Is that a fetish?)

Sitting in my philosophy course, an even more mind-blowing idea occurred to me: if we accept that, for the concept of infinity to exist, all things that can exist must exist, (is that a fetish?) does that mean that there is infinity porn, in which all things that can be, must be?  How would you even film that? (Is filming infinity porn a fetish in and of itself?)  Can there possibly be a target audience for such a thing?

Or how about this: if there is porn of all things, and not all things are sexual, is there porn in existence in which nothing sexual is taking place?  Is that a fetish?

Are there almost- fetishes?  As in, you get turned on by something that’s almost something else, but not quite?  Like, you get super-hot for tangelos, but have no real feelings either way for tangerines or grapefruit?  It’s just that it’s almost a tangerine, or almost a grapefruit that gets you excited?  Almost-midget porn, where the actors are extremely short, but are not quite eligible for “little people” status?  Almost elderly porn, where the performers are just under the age requirement for getting the senior discount at Country Kitchen Buffet?  And it’s not that the viewer is into that particular height or age or whatever, it’s the fact that they’re almost something else.  Is there “almost-something-else” porn in the world?  Is that a thing?  Is there something like an “almost-bestiality” fetish?

oh, right.

I’m sorry, I just can’t accept this.  My brain won’t allow it.  I DENY YOU, RULE 34!  There can’t possibly be porn of everything in existence.  It just can’t be.  Which is why I’ve decided to fill that gap in the industry. 

Are you a lonely, sad person whose bizarre fantasies are not being catered to?  Why, then, send a description of your twisted desires to me, and I will supply desperate, starving actors to act out your perverted dreams, you sick, warped individual, you.  Why, for the right price, you REALLY WILL be able to find any kind of porn your heart desires!  Even Space Werewolves, you ask?

Even Space Werewolves.