There’s a Fetish for That

fe-tish also fe-tich...

            1 : an object (as an idol or image) believed to have magical powers (as in curing disease)

            2 : an object of unreasoning devotion or concern

            3 : an object whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification

                        from The Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Since you’re reading this online (I’m taking for granted that nobody prints up copies of these posts for distribution), I’m going to assume that we’re all familiar with the following concept: if it exists, there’s porn of it.  I’m uncomfortable with this idea, not just because of the horrible, horrible implications, but because it implies that there is a market for all of this everything-in-existence pornography, which in and of itself implies (by my calculations, which are based on absolutely nothing but boredom and anti-math) that someone you know and come into contact with regularly must be the target audience for at least one awful type of porn.  And, seriously?  Think about that phrase.  If it exists, it’s porn.  Everything in existence.  That means that, somewhere, there’s stapler porn, or souvenir magnets porn, or chalk-drawing porn, or half-washed-away-by-the-rain chalk drawings porn.  Seriously?  EVERYTHING?!  EVERYTHING IN EXISTENCE?!!

So, in trying to wrap my head around this idea, I’ve become obsessed with the idea of fetishes, and what could be made into one.  Theoretically, everything should be able to be a fetish, since we clearly need fuel for our filthy everything porn.  My everyday experiences lead me to new and confusing possible fetishes all the time.  I eat an orange as a snack; is that a fetish?  Are there any orange fetishists out there?  I walked through a puddle this afternoon.  Is there such a thing as a puddle fetish?

The more I think about it, the more specific I get.

Really?  Ok, how about ‘deer crossing train tracks at dusk’?  Is that a fetish?  Air-dried sheets on the line caught in the rain.  Fetish?  Samuel L. Jackson-Thylacine sitcom pilot?  A cerulean-blue windbreaker hanging on a coat rack in a room that is exactly 62 degrees (F)?  Space Werewolves?  Are these fetishes?  CAN YOU FIND PORNOGRAPHY OF THESE THINGS??!  DOES THAT EXIST?!

I’m driving myself crazy here.  Literally.  (Is that a fetish?)  In my abnormal psych class, this was made very clear to me.  Now, I may be slightly too much of a hypochondriac to take a course like this, since basically every disorder we cover ends with me saying “I definitely, DEFINITELY have that”, but my professor basically made it clear last class that I definitely definitely DO have that; “that” being, of course, psychosis.

Yes, that’s right.  I misinterpreted ink blots.  I didn’t even know you COULD misinterpret ink blots.  But I did.  (Is that a fetish?)

Sitting in my philosophy course, an even more mind-blowing idea occurred to me: if we accept that, for the concept of infinity to exist, all things that can exist must exist, (is that a fetish?) does that mean that there is infinity porn, in which all things that can be, must be?  How would you even film that? (Is filming infinity porn a fetish in and of itself?)  Can there possibly be a target audience for such a thing?

Or how about this: if there is porn of all things, and not all things are sexual, is there porn in existence in which nothing sexual is taking place?  Is that a fetish?

Are there almost- fetishes?  As in, you get turned on by something that’s almost something else, but not quite?  Like, you get super-hot for tangelos, but have no real feelings either way for tangerines or grapefruit?  It’s just that it’s almost a tangerine, or almost a grapefruit that gets you excited?  Almost-midget porn, where the actors are extremely short, but are not quite eligible for “little people” status?  Almost elderly porn, where the performers are just under the age requirement for getting the senior discount at Country Kitchen Buffet?  And it’s not that the viewer is into that particular height or age or whatever, it’s the fact that they’re almost something else.  Is there “almost-something-else” porn in the world?  Is that a thing?  Is there something like an “almost-bestiality” fetish?

oh, right.

I’m sorry, I just can’t accept this.  My brain won’t allow it.  I DENY YOU, RULE 34!  There can’t possibly be porn of everything in existence.  It just can’t be.  Which is why I’ve decided to fill that gap in the industry. 

Are you a lonely, sad person whose bizarre fantasies are not being catered to?  Why, then, send a description of your twisted desires to me, and I will supply desperate, starving actors to act out your perverted dreams, you sick, warped individual, you.  Why, for the right price, you REALLY WILL be able to find any kind of porn your heart desires!  Even Space Werewolves, you ask?

Even Space Werewolves.

The 7 Types of Adult Learners: A Survival Guide

In college, one is surrounded by many young men and women; striking it out on their own for the first time, they are eager to learn and grow into the bright and interesting adults they feel they are destined to become. 

That doesn’t happen for most of them.

Over time, they lose sight of their goals; they become worn out from the constant pressures of deadlines, tests, work, and competition with their fellow classmates.  Eventually, they give up on the optimistic dreams they once had, and resign themselves to the daily, soul-crushing monotony of higher education, in the hopes of someday getting a job so that they can put their own children through college.

For this student, there is one thing that helps them put the sadness that their lives have become into perspective:

The Adult learner.

Now, don’t get me wrong; I have nothing against Adult Learners in theory.  There is something to be admired in the person who risks the comforts that they have accumulated for themselves over their lifetime to go back to school and improve themselves, or the blue-collar worker who is finally able to go back to school and receive the education that they need to go further in the world.

And then there are the creepy ones, who make all the young and pretty students want to run away in terror and live out their lives in the hills, rather than share a classroom with them for one moment longer.  This list is dedicated to those people.

7. The Serious Student

This Adult Learner is the most likeable on this list.  She has gone back to school to make herself more appealing to employers, or maybe she already has an education, but has decided to completely change direction in her career and needs to take a few courses to bulk up her knowledge of her new vocational path.  Maybe she simply wants to better herself, or set a good example for her children.  Either way, she is here to learn.  This Adult Learner tends to be friendly, but not overly so.  She is bright, usually articulate, and is generally a pleasure to work with.  She uses her life experiences to sometimes help you see things in a new way, without being overbearing.

6. The Sad One

This Adult Learner is similar to The Serious Student, in that he genuinely wants to learn.  He differs, however, in that he can’t.  The Sad One tries his hardest, but seems completely incapable of absorbing even a speck of information from the classes he is taking.  Watch him as he stumbles awkwardly through an analysis of a Shakespearean passage, and you’ll see it plainly on his face; sadness, shame, and the knowledge that he is spending his hard-earned money to give an arrogant 19-year-old the opportunity to smirk and correct him in the most condescending manner possible. 

All decent human beings within the vicinity will stare intensely at their notebooks and pretend they are just as lost as he is, or at least pretend that their answer is just a different opinion, and that his was equally valid.

He knows the truth, though, and it’s sad.

5. The Out-of-Placer

Like The Sad One, The Out-of-Placer doesn’t belong there.  He has no idea what’s going on.  However, just as often as not, he has no idea that he has no idea.  He may not even be aware that he is in a classroom.  He always looks slightly bewildered, and his mouth may hang agape.  Unlike The Sad One, he probably will never offer an answer or opinion, and if he does, it will most likely make NO SENSE AT ALL.  Even the way he dresses marks him as an Out-of-Placer.  He often looks as though he has either stepped straight out of another decade (think the 70’s), or he will be dressed completely in one type of fabric.  I, myself, have encountered the denim-clad Out-of-Placer, but I am sure that they come in many varieties.

Out-of-Placers are slightly off-putting, but are usually fairly benign.  They aren’t aware of their own presence enough to do anything too creepy.

4. The Rebel

This one is kind of sad, too.

The Rebel isn’t a real rebel.  He may come to Philosophy 101 and rant for the full hour and a half about how “The Man” wants to hold him down and has too much control, but he is the first to complain that the world is falling into chaos because Big Business is under-regulated.  He wants you to think that he’s a hard-core rebel, but in truth, this is the guy who leaves obscene remarks about politicians he doesn’t like in the comments section of a YouTube video of a 2-year-old doing the Hokey-Pokey, but doesn’t actually even vote in elections for reasons that fall somewhere between “I forgot…” and “It’s not like my one vote really matters, anyway.”  In the big scheme of things, this guy doesn’t really matter, either, but he will infuriate you, regardless.



On the other side of the Rebel coin is the 30-40 something that seems to shop exclusively at Hot Topic.  From behind, they seem like just another (circle one) Goth, emo, skater, punk, or other, but then they turn around, and you see the lines in their face.  And you can’t quite put your finger on it, but there is something about this combination of early middle age and punk style that will give you an aneurism, just from looking at her. 



To look into her face is to look into madness.



Your brain will implode and your face will fall off, then you’ll eat your face and start getting naked because nothing makes sense anymore.

3. The One with Something to Prove

You will meet this one, and you will hate her fiercely for the rest of your life.  She’s probably in her late forties-early fifties.  Maybe she’s divorcing and wants to prove her independence, or maybe she’s just trying to finally show Brenda from her book club that she can so learn to write/paint/make a movie.  She will almost certainly be pursuing an ‘artistic’ degree, or else she will be trying to become a nurse or counselor.  There will just be something about her phony sweet personality that will rub you the wrong way.  Others you may be able to ignore and move on from, but not The One with Something to Prove.  She has something to prove, and she will not be ignored.

She will glare at you when you say that reading Twilight is like raping literature.  She will always speak with a fake smile that barely covers up the rage that comes when you have led a cushy, privileged life and are suddenly surrounded by a group of people who don’t think that living on the same block as a black person gives you ‘cred’.  She will make it clear that she is there to prove her worth, and that she’s in for the long haul; she’s not leaving until she has achieved her goal and earned all of your respect.

She will inexplicably disappear one day, and never return to class.  Nobody will ever acknowledge that she was ever there, and you will wonder where she went for the rest of your life, and you will hate yourself for it.

2. The Creepy Older Guy

This one could also be The Creepy Older Woman, but I’ve met the male version, so that’s the one I’m discussing.  The female version is exactly the same thing, only a woman.

The Creepy Older Guy usually isn’t too terribly old.  He’s probably about 40; still young enough to think he can hit on 20-year-old girls without being creepy.  He is wrong.  This is how he gets his name.

He will start out by being a normal level of friendly (holding the door for you heading in or out of class, saying good morning or “Have a nice weekend; see you Monday”) while maintaining abnormally intense eye contact.  By the first group project, he will somehow manage to be assigned to your group (I suspect, because college professors really enjoy making their students uncomfortable).  He now can get all of your contact information for a completely legitimate reason; so that he can get a hold of you for project-related things.

He will start calling and asking you to meet him at the campus café for coffee and sandwiches “to discuss our presentation.”  Your group project is not on his mind.  Do not go to meet with him if at all possible.  The best way to interact with this guy is solely through email, but if you do get roped into meeting with him face-to-face, insist on meeting somewhere well-lit, and arrange for your roommate or another friend to meet you at a certain time to walk you back to the room.  I’m not saying that all Creepy Older Guys are rapists, I’m just saying that they will act like you’re on a date, and you will need an escape strategy. 

After the semester ends, you will see this guy walking around campus, and will do literally anything to avoid him.  This is not wrong.  Trust your instincts.  I’m deadly serious about this one.  Look at my face.  This is my serious face.

I'm super serial, you guys.

1. The Take-Control

This Adult Learner seems to think that he’s gone back to school not to improve his own education, but because those guys that get paid to teach aren’t doing it very well, and they need him to step in and help out.

Yes, The Take-Control, also known as a Know-It-All or, even more commonly, An Arrogant Jerk, appears on campuses across the nation.  Make a relevant point in class?  He discredits it, and presents his own idea, which is strikingly similar to your own.  Ask your instructor to explain a complex theory?  No worries; this guy understands it way better.  He’ll explain.  Even if the professor tells the Take-Control that he’s wrong, he will continue with his statement with all of the confidence of someone who has just been high-fived by the instructor and told that he was brilliant.  He cannot accept that he is ever wrong, and he is almost always wrong.

 

God forbid you are ever in a group with the Take-Control.  He will do just that; take control, and he will run your group into the ground.  There is a reason he is a Take-Control; he has no control outside of school, because he should never be in control.  Some people are simply not leadership material, and he is one of them.

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Well, these are the kinds of adult learners that I, personally, have encountered, but feel free to leave a personal and hilarious encounter of your own in the comments.  With your help, I may update the list some time, and hopefully help guide some other poor soul in their dealings with these fiendish individuals.