There’s a Fetish for That

fe-tish also fe-tich...

            1 : an object (as an idol or image) believed to have magical powers (as in curing disease)

            2 : an object of unreasoning devotion or concern

            3 : an object whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification

                        from The Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Since you’re reading this online (I’m taking for granted that nobody prints up copies of these posts for distribution), I’m going to assume that we’re all familiar with the following concept: if it exists, there’s porn of it.  I’m uncomfortable with this idea, not just because of the horrible, horrible implications, but because it implies that there is a market for all of this everything-in-existence pornography, which in and of itself implies (by my calculations, which are based on absolutely nothing but boredom and anti-math) that someone you know and come into contact with regularly must be the target audience for at least one awful type of porn.  And, seriously?  Think about that phrase.  If it exists, it’s porn.  Everything in existence.  That means that, somewhere, there’s stapler porn, or souvenir magnets porn, or chalk-drawing porn, or half-washed-away-by-the-rain chalk drawings porn.  Seriously?  EVERYTHING?!  EVERYTHING IN EXISTENCE?!!

So, in trying to wrap my head around this idea, I’ve become obsessed with the idea of fetishes, and what could be made into one.  Theoretically, everything should be able to be a fetish, since we clearly need fuel for our filthy everything porn.  My everyday experiences lead me to new and confusing possible fetishes all the time.  I eat an orange as a snack; is that a fetish?  Are there any orange fetishists out there?  I walked through a puddle this afternoon.  Is there such a thing as a puddle fetish?

The more I think about it, the more specific I get.

Really?  Ok, how about ‘deer crossing train tracks at dusk’?  Is that a fetish?  Air-dried sheets on the line caught in the rain.  Fetish?  Samuel L. Jackson-Thylacine sitcom pilot?  A cerulean-blue windbreaker hanging on a coat rack in a room that is exactly 62 degrees (F)?  Space Werewolves?  Are these fetishes?  CAN YOU FIND PORNOGRAPHY OF THESE THINGS??!  DOES THAT EXIST?!

I’m driving myself crazy here.  Literally.  (Is that a fetish?)  In my abnormal psych class, this was made very clear to me.  Now, I may be slightly too much of a hypochondriac to take a course like this, since basically every disorder we cover ends with me saying “I definitely, DEFINITELY have that”, but my professor basically made it clear last class that I definitely definitely DO have that; “that” being, of course, psychosis.

Yes, that’s right.  I misinterpreted ink blots.  I didn’t even know you COULD misinterpret ink blots.  But I did.  (Is that a fetish?)

Sitting in my philosophy course, an even more mind-blowing idea occurred to me: if we accept that, for the concept of infinity to exist, all things that can exist must exist, (is that a fetish?) does that mean that there is infinity porn, in which all things that can be, must be?  How would you even film that? (Is filming infinity porn a fetish in and of itself?)  Can there possibly be a target audience for such a thing?

Or how about this: if there is porn of all things, and not all things are sexual, is there porn in existence in which nothing sexual is taking place?  Is that a fetish?

Are there almost- fetishes?  As in, you get turned on by something that’s almost something else, but not quite?  Like, you get super-hot for tangelos, but have no real feelings either way for tangerines or grapefruit?  It’s just that it’s almost a tangerine, or almost a grapefruit that gets you excited?  Almost-midget porn, where the actors are extremely short, but are not quite eligible for “little people” status?  Almost elderly porn, where the performers are just under the age requirement for getting the senior discount at Country Kitchen Buffet?  And it’s not that the viewer is into that particular height or age or whatever, it’s the fact that they’re almost something else.  Is there “almost-something-else” porn in the world?  Is that a thing?  Is there something like an “almost-bestiality” fetish?

oh, right.

I’m sorry, I just can’t accept this.  My brain won’t allow it.  I DENY YOU, RULE 34!  There can’t possibly be porn of everything in existence.  It just can’t be.  Which is why I’ve decided to fill that gap in the industry. 

Are you a lonely, sad person whose bizarre fantasies are not being catered to?  Why, then, send a description of your twisted desires to me, and I will supply desperate, starving actors to act out your perverted dreams, you sick, warped individual, you.  Why, for the right price, you REALLY WILL be able to find any kind of porn your heart desires!  Even Space Werewolves, you ask?

Even Space Werewolves.